Sketchbook Page 3 THE SKEWERED HEART...JULY 15TH THRU...
JULY 17, 2015 PRIDE GOETH BEFORE THE FALL • A MAELSTROM or SIMPLY A PUZZLE
A note, a reminder... although you know you do so many things to elicit a response, a reaction; this cannot be the primary concern. AND most certainly, growing an expectation of what reaction-result may be achieved... is always, simply a disaster of the mind in the making.
...is this resignation then? Do I even deserve to feel such things as defeat? Am I in this, am I doing my best? Sometimes when in the midst of this pantomime, we find ourselves asking...
...do I even have a role in this at all? What's a fella to do but keep doing I suppose.
Pain, once again proves utterly useful... dreadfully so, vital.
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What am I building here? or is building even the correct terminology?
Plugging away and seemingly pulling on these carnival game strings that one hopes are tied tightly to, well perhaps not the biggest of prizes, but at least one that makes him or her... proud.
So desperately concerned with your opinion as it's all about me.
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And that's the rub isn't it? Worried about the judgement of other, constantly. Constantly concerned that your actions are
being met not only with approval, but in awe... jee wiz, isn't that something. • Then you realize there is another way. Seeking joy only in the happiness of others...
Pride... the anchor which should be stowed away at this point
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...joy that perhaps has little to do with you. Releasing yourself from the concern of leaving an impression focussing mostly...
...on what it is you are doing and if this has an impact, so be it. Creating no expectations, simply working at...
...being a good man. 
My satisfaction is not the best of purposes for living.
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Pride, noun... a feeling that you respect yourself and deserve to be respected by other people : a feeling that you are more important or better than other people : a feeling of happiness that you get when you or someone you know does something good, difficult, etc. - The latter will do just fine.
...AND I DO KNOW WHICH ROCK GETS THROWN NEXT (mission)
JULY 17, 2015 GETTING ON WITH ALL THE difficult MISSIONS AT HAND (EASY?)
Oh let the sunshine in • face it with a grin • open up your heart and let the sunshine in BULLSHIT
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JUNE 18... stumbling hurdles ups and downs, ins and outs and utter surprises... I've been building the Wild Jesus in a vacuum, alone on it's own with no reference to the external... forces or inputs and interactions with... get outside yourself you fucking little bonehead • We need people on bleachers with cans of rotting tomatoes at their sides, ready for throwing • no violence but ridicule, mocking, gestures of poking, prodding and... the insecurity in all of this IS a as huge part of... this... as all that seeming pain that you do still feel quite useful... NO? Get on with it. (to be continued, with pictures)
HOW THE HELL DID I END UP THINKING SOMEONE HAD
PROMISED ME... THAT THIS WOULDN'T GET MESSY
PROMISED ME... THAT THIS WOULDN'T GET MESSY
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Just one of the almost infinite of possible scenarios... before you were to slip into the woods • You quickly, almost without thinking, mount the Wild Jesus • Bleacher style seating on all sides surround you • Filled to capacity with your ghosts • Mostly not there translucent manifestations of all those... • Past loves? Your defeated insecurities? • Those people who give you no quarter • Not an inch of rope • Nothing to spare • Very little room to maneuver • They don't always treat you kindly, nor should they or will they • Throwing cans of worms and rotten tomatoes at you blindly • With intent and ferocity • Bumping, jerking, grinding... twisting and turning • It's almost unbearable, but • ...you love it • Don't you?
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JULY 20, 2015 RESIGNATION - RETIREMENT
Resignation, noun : 1. the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable. - 2. an act of retiring* or giving up a position -- [the end of boredom and the re-organizations of one's priorities, desires, ambitions, wants and... needs.] In many cases celebrated with a small office party....*Retirement, noun : 1. the action or fact of leaving one's job and ceasing to work 2. the withdrawal of a jury from the courtroom to decide their [a] verdict. [sic]
photos above by David M. a fine fellow, a nice
chap and a very good chum indeed. 
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How does this IMPACT this project? We shall see... It definitely is part of the project and may come to be seen as a primary reason why this project began in the first place ...since when does skewered need seem a negative? Likewise, perhaps resignation & retirement will be viewed in a more positive light...
BOOKENDS
PART ONE: JUNE 9 ...the other day we were looking out the wonderland windows. Two boys, maybe 9, maybe 10 were ambling down the street on an early hot summer's day. The whole hot summer ahead of them. Walking close, beside one another; bumping n' touching. Smiles on their faces, really no places to go nor really anything to do... yet. One sucking on a freezie, the other quite possibly just finishing a popsicle. • I thought to myself... wasn't that something. Those early summer's days. Just me and a good friend, before all this... before so much meaning and invented purpose ...the want of answers and the crushing need to find solutions... Want this? A bit of it I guess, the friend bit, certainly... I believe I found this bit...
PART TWO: JUNE 19.... yesterday was an irritable day up until around 3:30 or so. The little boy inside me was restless and bored. Even a refreshing walk n' wander about town couldn't solve my saying (to myself) "mom... there's nothing to do". [an exploration of boredom? if you're on this page, you are soaking in it my friend]
...DO SOMETHING! anything really. Simply wanting not to be bored, I decided a walk straight to "the point" could provide some relief. I alerted a few friends, David express an interest but disappeared. I packed a minimal kit and headed out the door... Then low n' behold, didn't David just up and simply appear right when he was needed... by the diamond at the end of the street... We walked n' wandered out through the park that has come to mean so much to me and is such a part of this silly little project of mine. I couldn't help but notice I may have got what I'd wished for earlier. Two boys ambling along on a hot n' humid summer's day. Bumping into and touching a few common topics. reviewing the day before's boredoms and then tickling triumphs (we spoke of dates, so perhaps these little boys had aged a year or two since I saw them through wonderland's window). When we got to the point, I introduced my chum to the rock writing and tossing ritual that has been working quite well for me these days... Having left alone and only having my minimal kit, it was quite fortunate that David was there to capture a bit of this new practice... After he sent me his pictures, it was called to mind a memory of another summer's day I'd had the pleasure to be a part of rocks being tossed... |
Lazy summer daze with little to do but play. My thinking is why miss those days when all one needs do is to simply not be bored and...
DO SOMETHING... anything really.
DO SOMETHING... anything really.
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WHEN ONE CEASES TO SEE CHANGE AS AN OPPORTUNITY
THEN THAT ONE MAY AS WELL ABANDON ALL HOPE I NEVER HAVE BEEN NOR WILL I EVER BE... HOPELESS |
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JULY 20, 2015 JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS SO FAR (and off into the week we go)
I'm just finding it odd that, these days when one day this project calls out for some new element...
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...the city I live in (the city of limestone angels?) seems to up and provide it for me. Nuts, bleachers, chairs and bare lightbulbs to date.
(Oh, I suppose these are things one could find in most cities.)
(Oh, I suppose these are things one could find in most cities.)
JULY 22, 2015 ...AND WHAT IS THE ROLE OF THE OBSERVER(s)?
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Do I really want to include quantum physics in all this? Hmmm...
Question: ...what is it about observation that changes the way [we] behave? Is it the simple act of observation or a disruption from the
[observer themselves]? ...this warrants further investigation (more mission two, perhaps)
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(...oh go ahead, why not just up and simply add another element to this of which you know oh so little about)
AN OUTSIDE OPINION: "I dare to say it is change itself. I grow in acceptance of the changes about me, and strengthen my tolerance, which is different from acceptance. Depending on my capacity to love and be loved, a desire to actualize these stirrings comes about and this is the beginning of the behaviour change." - from my dear friend Kateri
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ANOTHER OPINION: JUNE 23 If (and only if) these particles, these minuscule components of reality are allowed to seemingly exist in two states at once and quite possibly be in two places simultaneously, then I feel at liberty to know and not know simultaneously, believe and to not believe at once. If the observer sees this as a lack of conviction, he has every right to do so. However, this begs the question, where has conviction* gotten us?
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Conviction, noun con·vic·tion \kən-ˈvik-shən : 1a the act or process of finding a person guilty of a crime especially in a court of law • 2a the act of convincing a person of error or of compelling the admission of a truth • 2b. the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth • 3a. a strong persuasion or belief • 3b. the state of being convinced -- (indeed, where has this got us?)
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JULY 23, 2015 I HAVE ARRIVED AT A "PLACE" WHERE IT WOULD BE BEST TO REMAIN VERY VERY QUIET... LEST THOSE CLOSE TO ME RECOMMEND I BE COMMITTED...
...to Baudelaire's hospital, no less. • Everything remains at this moment of change (oh brother) :-)
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JUNE 25 ...again, photos by David M. - He's such a good sport.
JULY 29, 2015 CAN YOU REALLY BRACE YOURSELF FOR CHANGE? (and, more change, coming soon)
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JULY 31 I shaved my beard off last Sunday (OK, I had some help)... the overwhelming response so far... "hey when did you grow the moustache?" • This can only lead me to believe that the profound change one may see in one's self likely appears more casual in the eyes of the observer... Coming soon... the two slit Schrödinger's cat experiment AS it applies to the Sacred Nut and those who may wish to observe a friend as they mount... The Wild Jesus....
Last night a friend (on Facebook) shared her lament in my having to "go through all this" • I couldn't for the life of me recall what I had told her what I was going through. • It dawned on me, there is a lot to get through... this project, that project this seeming calamity or that situation that's no where near as bad as might be expected. • He stops and thinks... JUST WHAT IS THE ROLE OF THE OBSERVER IN ALL OF THIS? AND...
Maybe the Sacred Nut is simply the Master of Disguise |
AUG 02, 2015 THAT OVERWHELMING FEELING THAT YOU ARE HURTLING TOWARDS SOMETHING... SOMETHING... SOMETHING
There is a flurry afoot in the old paper sketchbook... stay tuned. • There are just too many things pulling on my strings these days... far too many changes underway to consistently OR coherently keep this up to date... • There is not a chance in hell of this slowing down, as a matter of fact, it's speeding up so quickly in my head, I cannot keep up...
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What is the impact of one's own gravitation preferences? "I might be drawn to the weird", another, perhaps drawn to the institutionally recognized intelligent... And what of quantum entanglement, this strange connection between particles over great distances? Are we watching it all wrong? Receiving the actual messages? Whose facts are true?
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Please note, indeed, this is the sketchbook portion of this project... If you were expecting a cohesive understanding of this project, this is not where you'd find it... That reminds me, I've got to get to the cohesive expression of this project... some day, some day, some day
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AUG 05, 2015 UPGRADES, ENHANCEMENTS, IMPROVEMENTS... SLIGHT CHANGES?
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Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea • And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee, • Little Jackie paper loved that rascal puff, • And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. oh
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea • And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee, • Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea • And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee. Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail • Jackie kept a lookout perched on puffs gigantic tail, • Noble kings and princes would bow whene'r they came, • Pirate ships would lower their flag when puff roared out his name. oh! Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea • And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee, • Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea • And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee. Dragons live forever but not so little boys • Painted wings and giant strings make way for other toys. • One sad night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more • And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar. His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain, • Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane. • Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave, • So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh! Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea • And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee, • Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea • And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee. written by Leonard Lipton and Peter Yarrow
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As far as I can tell, ol' Jackie Paper was...
(...we shall see, oh so much more to follow)
(...we shall see, oh so much more to follow)
AUG 06, 2015 AND THEN ONE FINDS THEMSELVES ASKING SAINT FRANCIS, FOR PETE'S SAKE... HOW? (someday perhaps I'll learn this praying business)
ADVICE? - "I always pass on good advice. ...It is never of any use to oneself." - Oscar Wilde
...perhaps something one might asks the sacred nut no doubt
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AUG 07... Well here's a place to start, perhaps: If visiting a friend who may be a bit blue, don't badger them with the question "so, what's troubling you...?" • Bring a happy smile on your face and see if you can share, just a little grace. • Bring them a few stories of troubles you've got past • You might just notice both yours and their moods changing fast... (OK, enough of that one) • Bring a little sunshine... I just visited a friend with this in mind. I showed up in a wondrous mood after glorious swim. Shared a little of my own struggled with solutions... the positives I've spun from all these fake-negatives that have been gnawing at me these past few days... invited participation into a mission that may make the next steps even that much more fun AND shared a phantasmic dreamlike fantasy or two :-) The results... a happy smile, stories of their pleasant times; tales of things that have gone right for them recently and the things they're looking forward to doing. • Happier thoughts instilled? I think so... OH AND... the application of basic color wheel theory... If your friend might be a bit blue... Orange flowers can't hurt. • Thank you Saint Francis AND... Thanks Pete ...(oh, and thanks to Katie, queen of my island for the tiger lillies)
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AUG 08, 2015 ABSOLUTE • PARADOX • CONVICTION
"What healthy relationship isn't a love-hate relationship"
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AUG 11... Paradox – 1 : a tenet contrary to received opinion • 2a : a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common sense and yet is perhaps true 2b : a self-contradictory statement that at first seems true 2c : an argument that apparently derives self-contradictory conclusions by valid deduction from acceptable premises • 3 : one (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases
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Does believing and not believing simultaneously....
Conviction – 1 : the act or process of finding a person guilty of a crime especially in a court of law • 2a : the act of convincing a person of error or of compelling the admission of a truth 2b : the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth • 3a : a strong persuasion or belief 3b : the state of being convinced
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Absolute – 1a : free from imperfection : perfect <it is a most absolute and excellent horse — Shakespeare> 1b : free or relatively free from mixture : pure <absolute alcohol> 1c : outright, unmitigated <an absolute lie> • 2 : being, governed by, or characteristic of a ruler or authority completely free from constitutional or other restraint <absolute power> • 3a : standing apart from a normal or usual syntactical relation with other words or sentence elements <the absolute construction this being the case in the sentence “this being the case, let us go”> 3b of an adjective or possessive pronoun : standing alone without a modified substantive <blind in “help the blind” and ours in “your work and ours” are absolute> 3c of a verb : having no object in the particular construction under consideration though normally transitive <kill in “if looks could kill” is an absolute verb> • 4 : having no restriction, exception, or qualification <an absolute requirement> <absolute freedom> • 5 : positive, unquestionable <absolute proof> • 6a : independent of arbitrary standards of measurement 6b : relating to or derived in the simplest manner from the fundamental units of length, mass, and time <absolute electric units> 6c : relating to, measured on, or being a temperature scale based on absolute zero <absolute temperature>; specifically : kelvin <10° absolute> • 7: fundamental, ultimate <absolute knowledge> • 8 : perfectly embodying the nature of a thing <absolute justice> • 9 : being self-sufficient and free of external references or relationships <an absolute term in logic> <absolute music> • 10 : being the true distance from an aircraft to the earth's surface <absolute altitude>
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...diminish one's conviction?
(can one learn to be truly non-absolute? OR at the very least communicate as such?)
(can one learn to be truly non-absolute? OR at the very least communicate as such?)
AUG 13, 2015 (indeed) FINALLY FAR FLUNG!
The third is a series of substantial tweak n' refinements to the design n' operation of these ludicrous machines (see MISSION TWO)
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AUG 14, 2015 AN INEFFABLE CORRECTION (TO AN EARLIER ADJUSTMENT/ENHANCEMENT)
Upon consultation with both the remarkable and indispensable friends (wholly and totally trusted cohorts n' companions), a certain enhancement, tweak or say an adjustment to Ride the Wild... has been determined to be (for the time being) incorrect. Rather than emotional, the third component of "attraction" (for lack of a better word) foregoing shall simply be ineffable...
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ineffable – 1a : incapable of being expressed in words : indescribable <ineffable joy> 1b : unspeakable <ineffable disgust> • 2 : not to be uttered : taboo <the ineffable name of Jehovah>
MANY A MISTAKE HAVE BEEN AND MORE WILL BE MADE
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...I sincerely thank both the remarkable and indispensable friends for their help
with this, and their ongoing contributions and inspiration to this little project.
with this, and their ongoing contributions and inspiration to this little project.
AUG 19, 2015 THERE IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY THAT ALL OF THIS IS ACTUALLY JUST A MEMORY OF... SOMETHING SEEN AND/OR FELT BEFORE... (oh so long ago?)
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...as I walked around my island tonight, on the second full day of the visit. I was struck by the idea that maybe (just maybe) these original sketches didn't come from some past recollection of some ancient art career, but were perhaps forgotten images of things seen on earlier walks straight to the point. Just a vague notion, a fleeting thought, a set of images, a montage... • we'll have to set these out with tape one day this fall... a mission. The next logical mission no less...
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• When did this happen? Has it happened yet? Will it happen again? Did it ever really happen? ...We won't know for a week or two. Perhaps even longer... in the mean time, marionette birds and decaying staircases (bleachers) will have to suffice. Until then adieu...
AUG 20, 2015 OH, COME ON! ...(all ye faithful)
GOSPEL -- 1a often capitalized : the message concerning Christ, the kingdom of God, and salvation • 1b capitalized : one of the first four New Testament books telling of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ; also : a similar apocryphal book • 1c : an interpretation of the Christian message <the social gospel> • 2a capitalized : a lection from one of the New Testament Gospels • 3 : the message or teachings of a religious teacher • 4a : something accepted or promoted as infallible truth or as a guiding principle or doctrine <took her words as gospel> <spreading the gospel of conservation — R. M. Hodesh> • 5a : gospel music
Before we had little faith...
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...we were little.
AUG 25 - AUG 30 - SEPT 08, 2015 HOW I SPENT THE VERY END OF MY SUMMER VACATION... PASSING THE NUT and THE BIRTH OF CAR 29
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The very end of this summer (if one wants to consider it over) was a whirlwind of sorts. I was able to spend exactly 10 days (give or take travel time) with my son... we had some nice long walks... my mission? To set up some moments, opportunities to talk a bit about things he's becoming old enough to know... maybe even begin to understand...
...there were some nice moments, some rugged moments and some moments that went more weirdly than one would expect (if one were foolish enough to expected...)
The final particularly nice moment... I had given him his nut early on the last morning. As we rough housed at the train station, he hurt himself and got mad at me, really mad. He took his nut from his pocket and threw it to the floor, screaming "I don't want your piece of junk". After a while, we'd made up and in a quieter moment he looked at me and softly asked... "Dad, could I get that nut back?" Perhaps he will understand, one day
...summer then ended.
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...but then. Something else happened towards the end, while my son was here.
I got a new gig! One that allows me to let go of some of the old me... really flung the whole notion of this re-un-inventing myself a whole lot further. After a few weeks of huffin' pizzas around the central part of the city, I am now... finally a taxi driver!
So, just how will CAR 29 affect the project? Yet to be seen. One thing, I am loving it so far... It has allowed me to let go of parts of myself that were weighing on me; it affords me some time to do two things at once AND ...it gets me around town, meeting all sorts of people. I'm calling it the routine job with the opportunity for subtle surprises...
...the nicest surprise so far? Catching a fare to Toronto and taking this as an opportunity to visit with Kevin, my very first friend at Art School... how will CAR 29 affect the remains of the Ancient Art Career? Seems it already has...
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Summer is over, but this project isn't. Not by any stretch... there'll be more on Sacred Nuts, Skewered Hearts, Marionette'rs ...We'll continue to not really build Ride the Wild, your _ _ Art House and How Far Flung? this fall... YOU BET! ...and onward to page four of this sketchbook n' notes! - WATCH FOR A MAJOR RE-ARRANGEMENT OF THESE PAGES (coming soon, maybe even now).
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THIS IS THE END OF PAGE THREE OF THESE NOTES & SKETCHES |